The worst thing has happened: your person has died.

Now, you have to tell people.

There will be the first phone calls and the people you need to tell face to face. The word will spread through family, friends, and community. None of this is easy or fun. However, grief is often an isolating experience, and hopefully sharing this news and sharing your grief with others will be bolstering, therapeutic, and maybe even conjure funny or insightful stories about your loved one that you’ve never heard before.

An important way to tell people is through the formal announcement of an obituary: a published notification that often includes a brief biography, highlights of their accomplishments, and information about memorial services and places to make donations in their name.

An obituary can be published online, often through the funeral home if you use one, or through legacy.com, and in your local paper. This does incur a charge, often around $100 to $150 to start, with charges per line after that in the newspaper. If you want to publish in a major metropolitan paper, such as The New York Times, the cost can increase into the thousands.

An obituary can be as simple or as detailed as you like.

What an obituary traditionally includes

Details

  • The full name of the person who died
  • The date and location of death
  • Gentle language about their death (see the note below)

A note on gentle language. Conventionally, people write things such as “passed away at home” or “died peacefully surrounded by family and friends.” When someone dies from cancer or another illness, that will often be included with words such as “after a long battle with [illness].” If the death was sudden or accidental, people will sometimes share that the person “died unexpectedly.”

It is rare that the cause of death is revealed, mostly due to privacy concerns, to avoid potential stigma and gossip toward loved ones or the person’s reputation. Sometimes the cause of death is unknown before the obituary is published, and there may be legal or liability considerations. Sometimes people simply want the focus to be on the person’s life and not the manner of their death. Often, alluding to an illness or suddenness is sufficient for readers to gain an understanding of what happened and answer initial questions in their minds. Keep in mind that an obituary is a public and historical record and may be used in the future by genealogists, historians, friends and family, or other researchers.

Life story

This can include:

  • Their birth date and location, or where they grew up
  • Major accomplishments and milestones in their life, such as education, career, and family

Personal information

What were their favorite activities, hobbies, and interests? Think of things that they devoted a lot of time, attention, and care to.

Family

Here you can detail people who are prominent in their life. Traditionally, this includes their spouse or partner, children (and their spouses or partners), grandchildren, and parents.

Families can be complicated, and often people build chosen families. Don’t hesitate to include best friends, cousins, or anyone else who played a significant role in their life.

Additionally, you can name people who have died before them (“predeceased by…”). Most often, this includes people who died at early or unexpected ages, like a child, spouse, or parent, or anyone they had particularly close relationships with, regardless of when they died.

Pets are often very significant to people and can be included as you would any other family member, including a special animal who may have predeceased your loved one.

Service and donations

If a memorial service is planned, include details here such as location, date, and time.

You can direct flowers to be sent to the venue, or include the phrase “in lieu of flowers” where donations in their honor can be made. This may be funds for children they have left behind, money to help pay for funeral costs, or donations to causes that were important to them.

Complex relationships, expansive families, and having fun in obituary writing

Many of our lives are not traditional, and therefore our obituaries may need to reflect that. Here are some common issues you may encounter when writing the obituary.

Complex relationships

Estrangement or leaving people out. Sometimes significant relationships in a person’s life were complicated, and they may not have wished to have certain people named in their obituary. Ex-spouses, estranged family members, and people who were abusive or harmful are a few examples. Here are some ideas to navigate this complexity and decrease hurt feelings while respecting your loved one’s life experience.

Keep names to a minimum. By not naming anyone directly, or naming only a few of the most central people in your loved one’s life, you can set a broad-stroke tone that allows exclusions to be less obvious.

“Kaya’s friends and family will mourn her loss,” or “Ira is leaving behind his beloved wife, Ava, their four children, his extended family, and many friends.”

Employ neutrality. To avoid feelings of being left out, simply list relationships and names and use neutral, factual language such as “survived by” or “will be remembered by.” You can use general language to refer to others, such as “relatives,” “immediate family members,” or “people.”

“Amari is survived by her siblings, Marcus, Renee, and Jordan,” or “People in Javier’s life will remember him for years to come.”

Gentle acknowledgement. Depending on how your loved one and the person they had a complicated relationship with felt, you can approach their naming with a kind tone that acknowledges the complexity of their relationship.

“Though they did not remain close in adulthood, Miho leaves behind her brother, Haru,” or “Though Cheryl’s first marriage to Jamie did not last, they adored their children, Albert and Cara.”

Expansive families and community

Blended families. After a divorce, the death of a spouse, or marrying into a family with children, we may have stepchildren to acknowledge or want to note previous marriages. Stepchildren can be acknowledged as such in the same area as biological or adopted children.

LGBTQIA+. LGBTQIA+ people often leave, or are forced out of, families and communities of origin who are homophobic or transphobic. Most go on to create their own chosen, loving families and inner circles. These relationships should be acknowledged as such in obituaries. The terms your loved one used to describe their relationships should be the words you use in the obituary. These may include “partner,” “spouse,” “sweetheart,” “chosen brother/sister/sibling,” “best friend,” or “significant other.”

Transgender, non-binary, and gender-expansive people often have names and pronouns that are different from those given or assigned at birth. The name and pronouns that they chose and used for themselves should be the only name and pronouns used in their obituary. It is a rare occasion that someone would want to be referred to with a name or pronouns previously used or assigned to them.

Singular they/them. The pronouns they/them are among the most commonly used pronouns. Writing an obituary for a person who used they/them pronouns is easy. Here is an example:

“Sandra graduated from the University of Michigan Medical School in 1996 with a specialty in emergency medicine. They went on to work in EDs in Milwaukie, Brooklyn, and Iowa City. Their passion for caring for people at their most vulnerable is a huge part of their legacy.”

Learn more about pronouns here.

Polyamory. People who are polyamorous (an umbrella term for being partnered or romantically involved with more than one person) and who publicly acknowledge their relationships may want each of their partners included in their obituaries. This can be approached in different ways and should include input from each of the partners, such as how names are ordered, how relationships are identified, and whether they want to be included at all.

  • Chosen family. This is a broad term that doesn’t exactly identify the nature of each relationship, useful if discretion is important to any of the partners or to your loved one. It also allows space for those who don’t have any hierarchy in their relationships. Partners’ names can be listed alphabetically or chronologically (based on the length of each partnership). For example: “Anush is survived by their chosen family, [list partners’ names here].”
  • Plain language. Your loved one may have preferred that each partner be named as such. For example: “Carolanne leaves behind her beloved life partners (spouses, sweethearts, or whatever term they used), [list partners’ names here].”
  • By relationship. Some people in polyamorous relationships identify partners by their legal marital status, or by role, such as an anchor partner or hinge partner.

What is key

Remember that this obituary is about your loved one, not about how you or anyone else feels about the people who are included or excluded, or which name or pronoun they used. First and foremost, the question in your mind should be: “Would my loved one want this person named in their obituary as a significant person in their life?” You or others might not like the answer to that question, but the obituary is one of the first ways you respect and honor the life and legacy of your loved one, by keeping true to what you know of their preferences and desires.

Further reading